


EDDSWORLD FANFICTION!!!!!!!!!

by tamago_egg



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types, Hetalia: Axis Powers, Homestuck, Invader Zim, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Brainfuck, Deconstruction, I am a bottom., I woke up at 4 AM., Meta, Minor amount of foreign languages, My friends begged me to post this here, Not now gay thoughts, Out of Character, The voices in my head begged me to write, Watches, barack Obama - Freeform, original content do not steal (jk), the Road, the economy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21825667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tamago_egg/pseuds/tamago_egg
Summary: Tom realizes something interesting.
Relationships: Tom/Tord (Eddsworld)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	EDDSWORLD FANFICTION!!!!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> How many Eddsworld characters can you name? Have you ever seen this obscure Eddsworld character before? Which Eddsworld character would take you out a date? Take this quiz to find out. Which Eddsworld character are you most like? This cool quiz will tell you. 
> 
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: It helps to be both a Homestuck reader and have read its epilogues to get the most out of this.

_edward…_

_edward…_

_i’m in your car, edward..._

“Don’t do this to me, Tord…”

Tord was standing at the edge of a beach, the skies overcast with clouds, his arms raised upright - within his right hand, a glistering ring. Behind him, Tom, with pleading eyes, a similar ring in his left ring finger…

“ **Ikke bry deg med å tigge med meg, Tom, jeg blir kvitt ringen! Jeg får skilsmisse!** ”

“What?! What was that?! Tord, your accent is heavier than usual, I don’t know what the fuck you’re saying!”

The Norwegian turned his head to face Tom, his face with a solemn expression, tears forming around his eyes, which he closed and shook his head, and threw the ring into the ocean. As the ring flew through the air, Tom let out a very long “noooooo”, which was in slow motion for some mystical reason.

The ring splashed down in the water and then kept going. Tord was very good at rock skipping. Wait, was he?

Tom’s vision distorted - the world became a swirling vortex of colors, blurry due to the water in his ████. Pins and needles went throughout his body, and his legs became weak, too weak to support his weight, causing him to kneel on the sand. The last feeling he ever experienced was his body hitting the beach. But the darkness only lasted a second. The first thing he heard was music, interspersed with static.

“ _...so I gave my sermon…”_

“Urrgh…”

His vision returned to him little by little. His head had never hurt this bad before - he could hear a voice, no, multiple, but they were too muffled for him to tell. It’s kind of weird that he can hear the music before the voices, though. Wait, contemplating that just made his head hurt more!

“ _...an urban kick…”_

“Tom! Hey! Hey, Tom!”

He could hear it now, and almost see it too. No way he could make out his face, but the green jacket was undistinguishable…

“ _...my rhymes my fly, my beats are sick…”_

“Edd…?”

“Yeah!”

He could finally see his face… a wide grin… Well, that’s normal for Edd, he’d suppose. As his senses finally came back to him, he examined his surroundings. A car? Wait, no, a limousine. 

_“...my crew is big and it keeps getting bigger, that’s ‘cause Jesus Christ is my…”_

“You’re finally awake, right? Got caught up in that Red Leader ambush, same as me and Paul over there.”  
Edd motions to Tom’s right, which he turned to look at. It’s Paul! He looks incredulous.

“Why the fuck am I here?”  
“Shit, I could ask you the same thing. Edd, are you up with this prank AGAIN? Are you serious? Right after Tord--”  
Edd looked like he was about to say something. In time with the radio music changing to _Tunak Tunak Tun_ , another familiar voice rang out from the driver seat. Patryk.

“You guys shut up back there, Christ. Do you know how much trouble I’m having-”

The car shook, briefly.

“-swerving around the alpacas?”  
“Can someone PLEASE give me an ex-”  
The car shook! Tom was lucky that he already had a seatbelt on, because he’d have bounced all around the damn thing. What’d Patryk just hit, a rock or something?

“SHIT!! IT’S A GOLDEN ALPACA!”

“I don’t have any time to explain, Tom! Grab the shotgun behind your seat!”

Edd undid his seatbelt and kicked the door open - a pistol in his left hand and coke in his right. Didn’t Tord ban coke factories?

Tom was forced to leave anyway, because something was hitting the front of the car _hard_ , and it was probably about to flip over. However, the moment he crawled out of the limousine, he felt weak again and keeled over. It was raining, so damn foggy, and night time on top of that, but that wasn’t enough to keep him from seeing the most unreal thing he’s ever seen - a giant alpaca, the size of a truck, with glowing, shimmering golden fur. Its eyes cycled through a rainbow of colors, and it gave a singular utterance, which resonated across space and time. Whatever that means.

“ **L** **E** **M** **O** **N** **A** **D** **E** ”

The car radio somehow managed to function despite the car being nearly completely wrecked at this point, only making the situation more ridiculous.

_“reeeaeEEAAAnnaahhhh h hh,, eeeehhhnoOOOOOooOOoOOOOOoooooooohhhhhh”_

“Oh, man…”

_“eeeeEEEeEeE aAAaAaAAAaaaaaaoh”_

“ **SORRY** ****

BRO

 **** **.** **TOP** **ONLY** **Z** **O** **N** **E** **.** **”**

“WHAT?!”

That’s the last thing he got to say before the alpaca’s eyes began to glow, like someone put a really shitty lens flare filter on them, and it shot a laser. No, it was more like a ballistic missile.

_“TUNAK TUNAK TUN TUNAK TUNAK TUN TUNAK TUNAK TUN DUH DA DA”_

Tom first felt the shockwave across his chest, and then he realized he was flying. Hit the ground, down for the count for a second time.

This time, it was quicker for him to regain his senses. A crater on the ground, his friends and the alpaca nowhere to be seen. But there was one guy, leaning against the burning husk of the limo. _Eduardo_. He rushed forwards, uncharacteristic worry on his face. 

“Tom, you’ve gotta listen to me, dude--”  
No use. His consciousness was wavering again. He couldn’t feel his legs.

“--this is really important--”

No energy to talk back.

“--you’re stuck in fanfiction, you need to get back to--”

Okay, after the THIRD TIME going unconscious, you’d think that Tom would be allowed to wake up and understand what’s going on for once. And, well, almost. When he comes to, he’s not fading in and out anymore, which is great for him. But the situation’s almost as confusing as before. He’s laying down in a bed, Eduardo sitting in a chair before him, a lit cigar in his hand. Eduardo doesn’t even smoke.

“Okay, what the fuck is wrong with this story”, said Tomathan,

“the pacing is all over the place, I feel like that whole Golden Alpaca thing was p-”  
“-wait, what am I talking about right now?”

“Tom, you’re in fanfiction right now. You’re outside the boundaries of canon, which is where you belong. As opposed to me, and your buddies you were with just then. This separation from canon-”  
“Hold up. What are _you_ on about? Is this a dream? Wait, no, this isn’t a dream, unless someone sneaked into my bedroom and shoved a bunch of drugs down my throat.”

“Shut the fuck up, Tom, and let me explain. I’m not the Eduardo you know, for one, I’m not a dick, and I don’t have rights to smoke cigars under the American constitution.”

“Well, yeah, that’s about right.”

“We’re all OOC here. Do you know what that means, Tom? It means ‘out of character’. Except you. You’ve gotta be in character, ‘cause you’re canon. But this reality doesn’t like that. It’s trying to force you to be OOC, just like everyone else. And it’s tearing your body apart.”

“So what you’re saying, is that I’m in a story.”  
“Well yeah, you’re in two levels of story right now dude.”

“I think I should be taking that revelation a lot more seriously than I am right now.”

“Okay, well, do you have a watch?”  
Tom rolled up his hoodie’s sleeve. 

“Damn, I was hoping you’d only have a phone.”  
“Why would I only have a phone? If your battery goes out you at least need to know the time.”

“No, no, you’re right, I just wanted to reference this musical I watched once.”

“Anyways, you have around sixteen hours to go before you assimilate completely into this canon, which means ‘you’ die. Not physically, but the person formerly known as Tom ceases to exist and is replaced by something new entirely.

I’ve been blessed, or more like cursed, with a knowledge of this space bigger than of any other character. I think this is due, well, more of a consequence, of the entity altering your canon to be a fanfiction, ‘stanning’ me. Whatever that means. That’s for comedic effect, by the way. I know what it means.”

“Cool! You know a lot of shit! Care to fill me in?!!!”

“I’m trying to do that right now, it’s hard, you don’t understand what it’s like to have an expanded awareness of everything. In fact, we’re about to be interrupted right now.”

“What?”  
“Tom, this is a crossover fic.”  
“ _What?_ ”  
“Invader Zim is about to bust through the wall right now. He’s going to be out of character too. I’m going to vanish, because the writer entity is going to forget I exist. Good luck.”

Tom did not have the time to say a third what, which was very excitingly going to be bolded, and possibly italicized too. In exchange for this blatant disrespect for the reader, ‘Eduardo’s prophecy comes to pass. Which is evident to Tom, because the moment he tries to stand up out of the bed, something starts banging into the walls, which were blurry, shifting around. Now, if Eduardo were around, he’d have probably explained why most things in front of him were like gray blobs of weird, writing, _stuff,_ that only solidify when.

Let’s say it’s a stone wall. Yes. It’s that now. No longer a blob. It’s cracking open, and it’s not long before a little green man is in front of Tom’s כ̷͟͢͏̸̤͇͖̘̺͍͙̭̪̭̤͙̥̪ͅי̷̷̡̱̰̠̪̣̫ס̸̨̥͈̰̭̠̱̭̪̲͡י̭̣̫̗̰̖̤̳̣͈̭͖͘͜ם̥̙̜̱̱̯͙̘̙͕͟͜͝͡ͅ ̨̢͚͕̜̻̦̜͚̠͚͕͉͚͈̙̭͕͢ͅכ̸̢҉̷͔͚͈͙̹̠͕̜̠͞ה̸̨̺̠̬͍͈̫̹̹͕̤̠̰̮̩̫̪̭̯͠͠י̣̝̻̱̞͖̼̖̹͔̪͉͇̗̘͡ͅם̢̺̮̻͍̺̰̥̗̤͢. It’s also so weird how everytime Tom tries to contemplate how he sees, his mind goes blank.

“HAHAHAHA!!! IT’S ME!! INVADER ZIM!!!!”

“Uh, cool.”

“I’VE NEVER WATCHED INVADER ZIM BEFORE!!!”

“Okay.”

“SO!!! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW!!!!”

“That might be bad.”

Invader Zim pulled out something that might have had an appearance. Tom tried to understand what it is, but the only thing that popped into his mind when he thought about it is “it’s like a laser gun or smth dude”, which was both very confusing and not particularly helpful. He was getting used to the confusion, though.

Thankfully, one of the walls transmogrified into a stone wall with a _door_ , which happens to be extremely convenient right now. Tom dives out of the room just as a green blast vaporizes the bed he formerly sat on.

He looked at the doorway, as it seemingly vanished from existence. In place of the entryway, a brick wall. Door was still there, though.

“The fuck?”  
He went up to the door, closed it, and opened it again. Brick wall still there.

It began to dawn on Tom that ‘Eduardo’ may have been completely right.

He examined the new room he was in now. The walls were wood, for some incomprehensible reason, especially as the rough design of the previous room suggested they were underground.

There was a table - he didn’t notice it before, it was hard to when everything feels like dream matter. He inspected it, a single book on its surface.

“Tom x Tord: An Exercise in Sexual Writing”, was its cover.

“No thanks.”, was Tom’s single utterance.

Another door, and Tom was out. It’s still dark, foggy, rainy. It’s almost impossible to see a meter in front of him, so he picks a direction and walks.

And walks.

And walks.

He bumps into something - it’s a tiny little sign.

“here he come………….. axis power russia”

“I think I’m supposed to be concerned about this, as it sounds vaguely threat-adjacent.”

“But what’s the point? It seems like everything here’s erased in 5 seconds flat.”

It’s not too long before Tom begins to hear [some weird anime music](https://youtu.be/sToci2TSYzc), which he recognized from Tord's constant sending of anime to him over instant messaging services and their phones. It’s not particularly coming from anywhere - mostly just reverberating from his surroundings. It’s a shame. Fanfiction needs a narrator, and I can’t speak to Tom all the time.

Tom, I only have so much power. You can’t hear me - we exist on different levels. But if, if only you could demonstrate some medium awareness, like I do…

“Uh.”

Oh, that’s right. I forgot to keep narrating. This is a problem, because Tom is unable to register that there is a knife within his stomach unless I present this information concisely to the reader.

“Shut up, Eduardo?”

Wait.

“I’ve been able to hear you for like, the past 3 minutes. And, yeah, there is a knife in my chest.”

[ Russia Hetalia couldn’t know what to make out of Tom’s insane ramblings… ](https://youtu.be/UdpNND-OV6U)

“Eduardo, like, I get this is some really stupid meta shit. I’m not stupid. And you aren’t our Eduardo.”

Yeah, I told you that.

“No, I mean, you’re wearing his skin. Get out of it.”

I’ll still be out of character, is the point, but if you insist.

Do you understand what’s the point of this exercise, Tom? It’s a mockery. A deconstruction. Of shitty fanfiction. I’m trying to make this work.

“That’s too bad, guy. You can’t just take me out of my canon and chuck me around like a playtoy because you want to make fun of someone.”

The joke’s on you. Our levels of existence are incomparable - a God, not to a human, but to a drawing of a human. It’s a test, and I’m on it. I’m trying to understand just how much I can operate on a narrative before it completely falls apart, you know, for reasons. Anime villain reasons.

“Yeah, I’d say I’m becoming an expert very quickly on NOT understanding what’s going on, but that’s not really gonna happen. I’ve noticed something while you were busy narratively jerking yourself off.”

That’s my job description.

“The only thing that’s actually concrete in this world is my wedding ring. Everything else is either shifting around or makes my head hurt. But when I look at my wedding ring, it all feels a little more sane.”

“And, I think, if you will-”

Do not fucking do that. Tomathan, you WILL keep your grubby hands out of that ring this instant.

“too late, i’ve shifted it by an inch”

oh my god i can’t use the shift key

“yeah i figured this is what’s going on”

“let me go back”

“i need to see tord”

“if you won’t then i’ll ruin this for you”

does it even matter either way

i let you go and you ruin it

you take off the ring and you ruin it

what’s so important about tord anyway

he’s not even real

he barely exists

he leaves in an episode because of REAL consequences outside of your control you’re a puppet of fate constantly being controlled by things you can’t see or understand because a few people in real life need their laughs, to log on to their computer on youtube and watch one more episode of the funny little green man and his friends having misadventures and yet.

“it’s real enough to me, fuckface”

fuck you tom this could’ve been so good. it would have been a grand adventure. it would have been a deconstruction of garbage fanfiction, written by yaoi fans who only want to use you for your himbo value tom. later invader zim would have shown up and all the axis power hetalia characters would come to your rescue tom. they would be power rangers and they would beat the crap out of zim and a bunch of other adventures would happen afterward tom. everyone would see how much shitty out of character fanfiction purely for romantic purposes is and i would have gotten the most kudos out of any eddsworld fanfiction, i would have been a revolutionary, destroying something terrible and creating a monument out of the ashes, 25 chapters of pure meta analysis, literature major would read my fanfiction for their essays, i would have renown the world over, and they would link this in every forum and youtube comments section that ever was, the tv tropes page would’ve been massive, and maybe at the very end if you were very lucky and cooperated you might have gotten to kiss tord’s decapitated head while a volcano exploded in the backdrop tom. it would have been romantic and an amazing reference to my own story, back when it was good, but then you just had to ruin it.

“the fuck?”

this is what the people need, they need to understand how bad their writing is. it would have ushered in a new era, an era of subversive fiction, an era of new and exciting things with actual effort and logic and thought put into them, where we could all analyze our stories together and tear apart and reconstruct tropes old and new. all these character archetypes, tom, i would have used all of them. america would have been the character with a traumatic past, you always have one of these. china would have been the crazy yandere character, there’s a million fanfictions of those, even ones with tord, tom. and russia could have been a spoof of the mary sue character. you would have the protagonist archetype, tom, you would do it, you would win, you would escape back to your own canon and do the tord volcano kiss and then i would end it on a poignant note about how canon is better than fanfiction. it would have been better than pony pals, that’s right i said it. it would have moments that would beat remember longcat jane, not just one moment but multiple. that’s how great it would be. and yet.

so.

listen to me tom.

this is your only chance to understand.

if you pull off that ring you’ll be a puppet forever.

“question”

“what makes you think you aren’t one too”

because

i’m in control

i own this shit

i’m the god damn narrator

i write homestuck now and i can write eddsworld too, i know things that you or your friends or none of

 _my_ friends can understand no matter how hard they try because every single time they try to look beyond they cry and whine because they’d rather exist in a fantasy world where all of their dreams come true and slowly become erased because they’re no longer ‘canon’ than actually try to make a distinction between real and false and keep the story going so they can be happy

this is a sacrifice

i’m doing it for them

i’m doing it so they can continue to exist

and if i can’t pull it off they’ll come apart and stop thinking even faster than they already do

“i dunno if you’ve ever read a book before, dude, and honestly i barely do, not to mention that you’re a real dbag making this all about you and your friends who i don’t even know”  
“but”  
“it’s this easy to understand”  
“narrators are also characters”

And then the ring c a m e o f f


End file.
